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chckmagnet
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Name: Bob
Country: United States
State: South Carolina
Metro: Columbia
Gender: Male
Interests: This list is always prone to change...but right now it looks like this:
Homeless people, People who live life knowing that here isn't home, Hookahs, Singing really (and probably obnoxiously) loud in either my truck or the shower, Unsuccessfully fighting off sinus infections, Moustaches, Harmonicas, Headbands(not anymore, my hair is too short, and thats a tragedy), Honesty, Acquiring wisdom, Transformation, Conversation, Highland Oatmeal Porter, House Churches, Complaining, Striving to not complain, Poker, Figuring out what comes after December, My new apartment, Reading when I have time, Shows, Air guitar, Being an insomniac, Sleep.
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  dutycalls821
Member Since:
8/31/2003
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| Bye xanga.
Its been a fun almost 5 years. Maybe I'll be back one day.
until that day.
foregoneconclusions.wordpress.com
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| There are an immense amount of things to ponder and a very short amount of time to ponder them.
Friday I was accepted into the volunteer program (www.missionyear.org if you're that interested. [my apologies for not directly linking, xanga is being lame.])
I've been looking into it for a solid 8 months. I had been pushing back all decision making waiting on that moment. All of my chips have been in that pot.
You'd think i'd be stoked. Part of me is. Part of me is quite confused.
Okay, a lot of me is. I'm conflicted. And cut. And bleeding a bit. The kicker is based on the fact that I had my hopes set on moving to New Orleans for the entirety of the process. I visited the city director and his wife (who happens to be a recruiter for them) in their house in October. I've been in contact with her consistently for the entirety of that time. I wrote 6 pages of essays, waited for recommendation letters, and finally interviewed last week. In the acceptance packet there was reinforcement of not being sure of what city i'd end up in.
Mission Year is involved in:
-New Orleans
-Atlanta
-Chicago
-Camden, New Jersey
-Wilmington, Delaware
-Philadelphia
I have 2 weeks to inform them of my decision. They'd tell me where i'd end up in early July. I've been checking my heart about my intentions. Their thought behind that way of handling things is based on the fact that i'll be involved in intentional community with my roommates in the program and the with serving my neighbors, therefore it shouldn't matter too much where they place me. I have friends in NOLA, with that number increasing by one quite recently. So i've been asking myself if my heart is their for the hurting people in New Orleans or the idea of me being able to go there and serve those specific people. I think my answer is found in both of those things. I love that city, and its culture, and the overall feel to it. I love my friends too, but if I was to commit to Mission Year for a year i'd have little extracurricular time to spend with them anyway and it could potentially detract from what MY intends. I understand that point.
I've also recently pondered grad school a bit more heavily. My thoughts have been directed towards finding a good school for counseling. I'm still pondering whether or not I desire to do that at a Christian school. My manager pointed me towards the baptist seminary in NOLA. Technically i'm still a member of a Southern Baptist church, therefore it would be highly discounted and potentially free. They have a counseling program. And their having an open house type visiting thingy next week. My next thought involves the background that is needed to get into most graduate level psychology programs. Most require some undergraduate course work in the field. I don't have any. That could set me back a semester. Which could keep me here a little longer if i chose that path. I also don't know if that would be a bad thing. I've been second guessing myself for a few weeks now regarding the way I handled things with a couple folks these past few months and I'm not quite sure that thats done yet.
So heres the current train of thought:
1. Contact a counselor that i know of in the area that has seen many of my friends...who also happens to specialize in vocational counseling and sit down with him sometime this week and talk through possibilities (average pay, solid graduate schools, amount of jobs available, christian counseling v. secular practice, etc.) I think thats a wise idea.
2. Fly to NOLA next weekend and check out the seminary, visit again with Mission Year...(hopefully visit the house that current program participants live in...talk with them and see what they think of it, discuss my chances of ending up in New Orleans, etc.) before the deadline of me making my decision. Then flying out of New Orleans to Nashville to attend a close friends wedding. I checked prices today and I can make that happen for about $200.
I think thats a solid place to start. To make that happen I have to have all of my stuff moved out of my apartment by the end of the week!!!! And to make matters more simple I wrecked my truck after getting off work saturday morning after staying up all night the night before thinking about this stuff. So if you want to help me move holler at me.
If you have any advice or wise words i'm open to them too.
But this is what I know right now. I won't wait. I will be intentional. I refuse to sit here and be conquered by the weight I feel right now. I will fight and dig and find whats best and chase it with everything in me. I will not be lame. I will not cop out. I will not settle. And damnit I will pursue my King and His desires and promises and He'll stand true as He always does.
"May Christ in our marrow carry us home".
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| I'm ready for some stability. And at least a hint of certainty as to where life will be leading me next. Right now I don't even know where i'll be living in 2 months(if you know of a cheap sublease let me know), much less a couple months after that.
Its fairly confusing and mostly stressful. But not completely sour.
Life has been running at break neck speed for the past few weeks. This has left me with a bland yet bitter mindset. I've bit off a little bit more than I can chew and its been a lot to process. Circumstances have not positively contributed to this nuance but I feel a little bit wiser than I did previously. I suppose that is the best measure of maturity. When you're able to compare yourself in the present and how you're reacting to the person you were in the past. So thats encouraging.
Today was solid too. I spent a couple hours in the basement at the shack and found rest for the first time in awhile. Life makes a whole lot more sense to me when I actually believe that Jesus is who He says He is and is in the act of doing what He promised He'd do with my life. It sounds so simple, but in my mind such things combined with an irrational amount of stubbornness make life hard. But today was sweet.
I'm really looking forward to this weekend and hitting the beach for my cousin's wedding if for nothing else than to catch my breath and catch up on life a little bit.
At times i feel as though things are spinning out of control and I have very little influence as to where they are going.
I find that that is how life goes sometimes, and to make it through those types of circumstances its probably best to embrace how small I am and realize that its okay that I'm not in complete control all of the time.
I wish my recommendations for New Orleans would finish themselves. Its starting to stress me out.
I can't completely put myself in the mindset of leaving Columbia until I'm completely certain that I'll be able to do so. That heavily contributes to my incapacity to deal with all that in flux.
On a completely unrelated note my bathroom ceiling is suffering from leprosy. Every time it rains I fear a new leak. This one happens to be right over the toilet. So I also fear rotting ceiling falling on me every time I use the bathroom. Oh the joys of Greene Street. I wouldn't trade it, I actually recommend it, but it comes with its share of fun things.
Like Chuck.
Chuck is homeless and mentally ill. He showed up near the front of my house Saturday after I had gotten off of an absolutely hellacious shift at work. I was really tired and fairly pissed off at most things at that point. He was soaked and wearing a trash bag. I figured that he'd ask me for money. He instead asked me about the city bus schedule. I told him that I didn't know much about busses. He then got honest and just asked me for some food. Specifically tea. He really wanted tea. So i went and prepared him a sack of good from our kitchen full of a lot of things. He left and figured I was going to run inside and not return. I did not. I sat outside in the rain and waited on him to come back. He did. He was a very intelligent and well cultured man, who like most in his state had a few vices (alcoholism) and ill circumstances(mental illness of some sort) that put in the position of asking me for things. All in all he had a very clouded mind that showed flashes of brilliance. Chuck is the kind of guy I want to see healed and rehabilitated. The type that I feel completely okay with offering my life to serve. When I'm hanging out with guys like Chuck something in my heart makes sense.
He noted amongst other things that when he had stuff to give he'd like to be able to give back to people. He offered me change that night but I wasn't going to take it from him. I've heard a lot of homeless folk talk like that, but he backed it up. The next day he had returned some of the tea and a couple cans of food to my doorstep. He also left me a quarter.
Coincidentally I spent a couple hours of my Sunday afternoon doing a little bit of extracurricular Starbucks activities. Namely washing our floor mats at one of those DIY car washes that practically have pressure washers for sprayers. The important part of this section of the story is that the car wash takes quarters. I ended up being a quarter short. And I had Chuck's quarter in my pocket.
I really like that story.
Greene St. gives me stories like that. | | |
| Its a ridiculously beautiful evening. The sun is starting to set and i'm out on the front porch. Its become a very safe place for me and one that I'm going to miss really badly in the coming months. I've found myself spending more and more time here in a ridiculously ugly mustard yellow chair that I believe was found on the side of the street months ago. If i could pick one place to put a snapshot of the past 6 months of my life I'd definitely choose this spot.
If I could pick one snapshot of my mind to define that same span of time i certainly would not choose this one. Definitely not in the best of places at this point. Often I feel that my life is the same few stories on repeat with a couple different characters. Its kinda ridiculous. Certainly I have learned to not respond as a would've previous spots, and I feel that that is a sign of growth...in some spots...but in others just a fair amount of callousness.
Situational dynamics and small decisions seem to have vast implications when they are given precedence over a broader, more rational perspective at this point. I realize that. That, and that little choices effect big ones. But enough of my pseudological brain babble. But hey, this isn't for you its for me right?
The past few days have taught me to cherish the people I have that have invested in me and I in them. People coming in from miles and miles away who have become family. People who I go see that are miles and miles away who I haven't seen or spoken to in months who are quick to provide love, encouragement, and logical clarity that make days a joy to experience.
Garrett is coming in tonight. Its hard to say how excited I am for that.
Deep breaths children, I wonder whats next.
For now Becky is about to cross the street so its time to prepare for house church. So I guess i'll put this one on hold.
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| Sometimes songs say thing better than I can, right now is one of those times. I feel incredibly empty, uninspired, and far from myself. Part of me just wants to go for a walk in the rain until my mind starts working as it should.
Its hard to find a friend is the perfect album for today, weather and all. I feel as though it will be on repeat for quite sometime. I feel as though i've said such things before, but its my default album for contemplative discontentment.
"i could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud your praise
the members faces were smiling
with their hands out stretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you
and some days i don't love you at all
the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty
i'm falling on my sword
at least then i would not serve
an unseen distant lord
if this is only a test
i hope that i'm passing
cause i'm losing steam
and i still want to trust you
peace be still
peace be still
peace be still
peace
be
still."
There is so much uncertainty in my heart right now. About now, about tomorrow, about the rest of the month, the summer, the fall, time after that and all that jazz. Important choices to be made and the weight of previous ones weighing in heavily. I'm very confused and discontent. Its time like this that miss having a mentor, or even people around me that have more to say than an angry spew of venting bullshit.
I need some peace. Peace to me is not the absence of conflict but rather the presence of wholeness, goodness, and completeness of God in one's heart and mind.
Yep.
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